


Big [Boys] Cry When Their Heart is Breaking

by Drippin_w_alchemy



Series: Either/Or [7]
Category: Love Simon (2018), Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli, The Upside of Unrequited - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Angst, Book compliant, Canon Compliant, College, Cute, Drinking, F/M, Fluff, Gen, Kissing, M/M, Party, Pining, Summer, Two boys kissing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-10
Updated: 2018-04-10
Packaged: 2019-04-21 01:44:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14274234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Drippin_w_alchemy/pseuds/Drippin_w_alchemy
Summary: Simon, Abby, Nick, Leah and Bram celebrate Nick's acceptance into the college of his dreams. A dream he gets to pursue with Abby. Simon starts to spiral, ruminating over his impending long distance relationship with Bram.Sia - Big Girls Cry:Youtube





	Big [Boys] Cry When Their Heart is Breaking

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks again for checking out the series! Again thanks to AMH for always helping polish these up. It's the world to me.

“They just called him today! Can you believe it?!” Abby gushes into her phone. “He almost didn’t pick up but it was a random number with a Charlottesville area code. Thank. GOD I was with him.”

“Abby that’s amazing!” Abby’s cousin Molly chirps back on Facetime. “I’m so proud of Nick, I can’t believe he’s coming to Virginia with us!” Molly’s got a look on her face that feels familiar to me, like I’ve made it before. Her look says “I’m excited because that’s what a normal person is supposed to feel in this situation but I’m actually freaking the fuck out.” I think I make that look a lot, I’m probably flashing it right back to her.

Abby and I are walking over to Nick’s house. He found out today he got off the waitlist at the University of Virginia, which officially means he’s been accepted to their music program and officially means he’s going to college next year with Abby. The second they found out Abby ran over to my house, literally  _ ran down the street _ like a maniac. She can’t run to D.C. though, so here we are making looks with Molly and being excited on Facetime to one another.

“It’s so crazy! You know I had settled into this idea of us going back and forth and it still didn’t totally feel real, you know?” Abby’s talking a mile a minute. “But here we are! I can’t believe they finally got back to them. He’s been on the phone with Georgia since I left he’s got to figure out how to get out of all his random commitments there.”

“That’s so so great Abby.” Molly replies, and it is really great. Why shouldn’t two of my best friends get to galavant off into the sunset together? Honestly I’m totally completely fine.

“He’s going to head up next week for orientation and to figure out what dorm he can get into. He’s gotta have a ton of original stuff written by the time he starts too, it’s just unreal.” Abby exclaims, throwing her head back. “You’re gonna love him Mo, I mean I know you’ve met him but you’re gonna get to really  _ know _ why he’s just so...Nick!”

“I can’t wait Abby!” She says looking off to the side a bit. “Hey, Cass is yelling for me, I think Reid’s here. I’ll give him the good news but I’m gonna go.”

“Alright! AAAHH! I can’t believe it can you?!” Abby yells into her phone screen.

“I really can’t,” Molly replies and I do catch her disbelief a bit. “Tell Nick congrats again and I’ll see him in the fall! Oh and hey Simon! Don’t think I didn’t see you there”

“Hey Molly” I pop my forehead in the screen and the top of my glasses, maybe she catches how totally fine I am.

“I’ll text you tonight!” Abby says and Molly zooms her phone up to her forehead and clicks off.

So here’s the thing I am totally ridiculously happy for Abby and Nick because why wouldn’t I be? But the thing is that when Abby burst into my kitchen to tell me the news I didn’t feel excitement or happiness, I felt my heart drop into my stomach. Good thing Abby’s always blindly supported my acting, I don’t know if she could see through me if she wanted to. Maybe I’m a bad person, but one of the things that made it easier for me to deal with Bram and I going to school in different cities was knowing that Nick and Abby were in the same boat. If it was going to suck, at least I had people to talk to who knew what I was going through. Now I feel like they both figured out a way to get on the door at the end of Titanic together, and I’m just bound to drown and freeze.

I should try to name my feelings more, I think that would make it easier to act like this isn’t going to be on my mind all night. Like if I know what I’m feeling then I can successfully try to summon the opposite of that feeling and balance it out (this is a theory that I just now invented but I’m sure it’s fool proof). I guess I’m a mix of envy and betrayal right now, but even I know that I’m being ridiculous, because how can my friends betray me by going to college together? Except they’re going without me, and so is Bram. Crap I think I made it worse.

Abby’s firing off text messages no doubt updating everyone she’s ever met about her match made in Charlottesville. I bet Leah would get what I’m feeling. Would she though? Now I feel like if I bring it up to her she’s going to think I want to go to college with Abby and not her, or Bram and not her.

“UGH.”

Abby looks up from her phone at me. Oh shit I actually said that out loud.

“Simon?”

“Sorry I was just uh, clearing my uh.” Shit shit shit I really can’t believe I said that. Maybe naming and counterbalancing my feelings wasn’t the way to go, maybe I just needed to completely make an ass out of myself to snap out of my funk.

“Hey it’s OK.” Abby says back, putting her phone in her pocket. “Don’t act like I couldn’t see you and Molly making faces at each other. You know you both share these totally readable faces, it’s totally endearing.”

OK so I’m not about to be chewed out for being the most unsupportive person on the planet. Abby’s got this look on her face like I’m a wounded bird and she’s going to nurse me back to health in exchange for my help in spinning her a dress from spiders silk or something wholesome and virtuous like that. I really hope this is that and not a look of pity.

“Look I know this is weird, I know how excited you were to have Nick so close.” Abby goes. “I bet Molly is worried about how this will affect my friendship with her, and that’s totally fair, we’ve been planning college together forever and now Nick is in the mix.”

I hadn’t even thought of that, God if I wasn’t the worst friend ever I definitely am now.

“But don’t think this will change anything with us, or you and Bram. You’re both making the best decision for yourselves and each other, you gotta believe that.”

I don’t know how this can be the best decision when every time I think about it I feel incredibly, deeply shitty.

“Anyways, don’t get lost in your own head OK? Bram doesn’t need to see you like this, he’ll get freaked out again.”

“Wait did he say somethi--”

I get cut off cause Nick bursts out his basement door arms above his head.

“I’M A CAVALIEEEEER!” He screams and grabbing Abby and I like we’re smores or something.

Did Bram say something to Abby? He never talks to anyone about anything, even I feel like I need to pull stuff out of him sometimes, and then I feel like I’m being dramatic but some stuff just, is a big deal, there’s nothing wrong with acting accordingly.

“Woooooooo” I let out, but I can’t really breathe because Nick is crushing me. “So proud, please put me down.”

“Incredible babe” Abby says and she gives Nick a kiss on the cheek. “What’s the plan for tonight?”

“I called Garrett, he’s bring people over. My parents picked an awesome weekend to be out of town cause the house is all ours to celebrate.” Nick’s got this far off look in his eye, like he’s seeing our entire night in front of us, and a bunch of other nights after this one. I think about Einstein, I bet he got to go to college with his boyfriend.

People start showing up. First Garrett and some junior guys from the soccer team. Then Taylor and Anna and Morgan and more theater people Abby’s texted. At some point the music gets hooked up and Sia starts to croon over Nick’s sound system. I float between conversations. So and so got placed with a roommate who won’t let them have patterned bedding. Bram hasn’t texted me back since I asked when he was getting here six minutes ago. What’s her face got a high score on her math placement and tested out of calculus but still thinks she should take it if she wants to be pre med. Still no text from Bram. My eyes glaze over and I walk over to the fridge which Garrett loaded up with beer upon arrival.  _ Well whatever _ , I think grabbing one. My brain feels a little less on fire, but my face sure is hot. I find Nick who’s telling a group of people about all his ideas for different scores he’s written. He’s got to fine tune them now he says, to make sure they’re ready for his first day at UVA, but he’s already gotten them down. I love that about him, he isn’t waiting for a green light to say “Go” he’s always just going.

Finally Leah walks in, takes one look around and makes eye contact with me with a look that says  _ yikes _ . Bram’s not far behind her, and I practically apparate next to them.

“Oh my God finally.” I say, tripping over nothing. I’ve only had two drinks I can’t be drunk already, maybe Nick and Abby moving to Virginia shifted gravity here somehow. “Where have you guys been? I texted you.”

“Sorry Si,” Bram says giving me a kiss on the cheek. “Leah and I were at the Modern Art Museum and my phone’s battery got sucked up looking for service in there. You know what a dead zone it is.”

“I do know what a dead zone is.”

“What?” Bram says.  _ Crap maybe I am just drunk _ .

“Simon I don’t know why you were texting Bram when this is clearly the party of the summer.” Leah says side stepping a group of sophomores shuffling through the door like a school of fish. She looks at the freaked out underclassmen inching towards the bar. “Should we pick off a weak one for fun?”

“No let’s go get something to drink before they clean the place out.” Bram says grabbing Leah’s hand. He looks at me and narrows his eyes a little “I’ll grab you a water.”

Honestly I’m fine, I’m sure I’m just being weird because of envy and betrayal and apparently two very strong beers. Bram comes back with a glass of water for me and we fall into conversation with Morgan and Anna who are going on about Nick offering to ghost write songs for them. Abby and Nick make their way over to us and Abby’s got little Dixie cups filled with something that smells like paint thinner.

“Vodka for Virginia!” She says, passing them around. Bram, Leah and I all take one. I think it’s been long enough, I’m probably fine to drink this now. One of the beers wore off I bet, or maybe the betrayal has been replaced by the Vodka shot? We cheers and I throw the paint thinner back.  _ Nope _ , I think as I’m swallowing and trying to twist my grimace into a smile. So that makes envy, betrayal, two beers, and now potentially poison. I remain confident that I’m fine.

Leah and I find a spot on the couch and Nick wedges himself down between us. The three of us could sit here all night with all these people around and I don’t think any of us would even notice if the house caught on fire. We’re totally on our own time, no upcoming departures, no Twin XL bedding to buy, no futures to fall to pieces over. Just us, on Nick’s couch, like we’ve always been.

“You’ll both come up to visit right?” Nick says from behind his solo cup. “I’ll be back here a lot to see my parents and indirectly you two, so it only seems fair.” His eyes crinkle a little and I can tell he’s grinning.

“Yeah I’m sure that can be arranged.” I say, giving Leah a look. Maybe that was more drawn out than it felt.

“I’ll remind drunk Simon about his commitments in the morning.” Leah says patting my head. “Maybe we’ll meet you in the middle and all crash on Bram’s futon.”

“OH MY GOD DO YOU THINK WE COULD!?” I say, but I actually think I’m shouting. I’m not sure I’m fine anymore.

Nick and Leah look at each other then back at me. Suddenly I’m being enveloped in a squeeze of their own making. I don’t hate it.

“Simon, while none of us are sober at this point, you are the least not sober person in our grasp.” Nick says.

“We’re putting you out to pasture Spier.” Leah says, which I think means she’s going to kill me, but then we start to shuffle upstairs and really I think it means she’s going to make me go to bed.

“Nooooooooo.” I squeak out and it’s like air leaving a pool floatie because I can’t take a deep breath they’re squeezing me so hard.

We make it to Nick’s room and they release their death grip so I topple down on Nick’s bed. Somehow in all of this Bram has made his way into the mix and is now standing over me as well. Somehow being that I am very intoxicated.

“You guys go back downstairs I’ve got him.” Bram says going to the bathroom and filling up a glass of water.

“Bram don’t let him vomit in my bed.” Nick says and Leah laughs and says something I can’t make out but it sounds like it ended with “again.”

I threw up once at a sleepover with them when I was 14 because we ate like one thousand individual jelly beans and suddenly I’m labeled a puker. God I hope I don’t get sick.

Bram’s back and sets the water down next to me, pushing me over so he can sit on the bed next to me. There was something on my mind earlier, about Bram and talking and time and Virginia vodka.  _ Don’t think about vodka _ . I lean into Bram and exhale into his shirt.

Maybe I was going to tell him about traveling through time with Nick and Leah today? That doesn’t seem right though we talked about time travel once when I explained to him what a time turner was. I bet if I had a time turner I could go to college with him and still get a degree from Emory. Bram brushes my hair off my forehead and slinks down a little lower on the bed. He sighs a little, and there’s this inflection, it’s slight but it’s there and it dips down like something’s on his mind.

“I’m not too drunk to talk you know.” I say but his shirt muffles my words, or maybe I am too drunk.

“What do you wanna talk about?” Bram says, rubbing my arm.

_ I don’t know Bram, how I feel like you’re totally letting me freeze even though there’s room on the door with you.  _ Now I can tell I’m drunk but not super drunk because I do hear how ridiculous my thoughts are, however the part of me that can stop them from coming out is locked up in a cage guarded by vodka.

“I don’t know.” I say, because honestly I truly don’t. I guess having no filter when your drunk comes in handy from time to time.

“I’m kind of jealous of them, aren’t you?” Bram says and suddenly I remember Abby’s comment and I sit up to look at him. Although sitting up was a bad idea because now the room is spinning and I’m not looking at him I’m looking at all the posters on Nick’s wall and the floor and the bed and I’m back on the sheets. “Alright too much too quick there Si.”

“Sorry, I’m just…” I trail off. Dizzy isn’t the right feeling and I’m not going to name something I’m not feeling I decided.

“It’d be nice, to have you coming with me, or vice versa.” Bram goes on. “I guess I felt like having Nick and Abby doing long distance made it seem easier, a little less daunting you know?” Bram’s rubbing my back and I really hope he knows how hard I’m listening but I can’t move because that’ll make the spinning worse. “I don’t know, I’m happy for them I really am. I can’t help but think about us though, given the news.” Even a few drinks in Bram is more poised than I’ll ever be.

I roll onto my back and flutter my eyes open, slowly turning them to look at him.

“Hey.” I say.

“Hi.” He says with a soft smile.

“I’m envious of them.”

“Me too.”

“That’s normal right?” I feel a hiccup in my throat.

“Completely.” Bram says with a smile. “That doesn’t mean you are though.” He leans over to kiss me and slides his head down. His eyes are up against mine now.

I kiss him back and can taste the vodka again. Bram kisses me a little harder and his lips feel a little lost, not in a bad way, just like they’re looking for something. Maybe Bram is a little drunk too.

I pull back from Bram’s wandering kiss. “I wish you weren’t leaving me.” I say and I feel another hiccup in my throat but I think this one might not be alcohol but sadness.

“I’m not leaving you.” Bram says pulling me into his shoulder. “But you’re right, I’m not staying  _ here _ . Not for much longer.”

I feel the hiccup work it’s way up and I swallow and squeeze my eyes shut. I think the vodka cage is broken and sober Simon is regaining control. Not enough to prevent me from crying but enough to stop me from prying into whatever Bram may have said to Abby earlier. I feel my eyes get bleary and pull Bram in closer.

“This sucks.” I muster.

“It sucks.” Bram quips back, and that’s how our conversation ends. A few minutes later when I’ve finally found my words and named all the things I’m feeling I sit back to look at Bram he’s asleep in my arms, marks on his cheeks from tears now wetting Nick’s sheets.

 

I mentally catalogue my envy, my betrayal, how apparently three drinks is most certainly past my limit. I think about how I’ll bring this up tomorrow, talk to Bram without being totally the worst and somehow avoid freaking him out because apparently that’s something he does when I’m not around. I realize I’m thinking about tomorrow and maybe thinking one day into the future is enough for now. That’s what I tell myself as I fall into sleep next to Bram, who isn’t staying here or leaving me. 


End file.
